It is so difficult to find the words and clarity to describe what happened. In all honesty, it is incomprehensible to lose a child. Dan and I said our earthly goodbyes to our first precious son, Daniel Robert McGrath, who was stillborn on Tuesday, September 13th, 2016.
The day before, on September 12, I woke up and started excitedly prepping for the arrival of our little boy, as I was 39 weeks pregnant and had stopped working and was in full-on get-ready-for-labor mode. With seemingly no movement that morning from an otherwise super active baby in utero and trying all the tricks to get him to move to no avail, I called the OB and went in. As I was driving, I called my husband, Dan. I knew something was wrong.
At the OB, a doppler and ultrasound confirmed the absolute worst: our baby’s heart had stopped beating and we had lost our son. This horrible moment replays over and over in my mind and haunts me to this day. Unsure of the cause, and going through the motions as if in a nightmarish daze, we went home to get our hospital bags we had so carefully packed and repacked for weeks prior, and went to check into the hospital that afternoon to be induced to birth his body.
After roughly 22 hours of labor, 30 minutes of pushing, fracturing my tailbone, this wonderful baby that had been growing and thriving, completely healthy, inside me for 39 weeks, was born still at 7:31pm on Tuesday, September 13th, 2016. It was at delivery the doctor was able to determine Daniel’s umbilical cord had developed what’s called a “true knot” that had tightened, cutting off his nutrient and oxygen supply. Apparently a complete fluke of nature… It is so incredibly painful to wrestle with, but we were glad we had a cause of death, as awful as it is. Many stillborn loss mamas never get an answer.
At a whopping 8lbs, 2oz and 22inches long, we got to see and hold our beautiful baby boy, Daniel Robert, for a short time after his delivery and the nurses checked him out. The little time and few pictures we got with him in this world will never feel like enough.
In losing Daniel, I felt compelled to donate the breast milk that would have nourished him, to other little babies in need. The first donation was actually the first time I had felt any kind of joy since we had lost Daniel. I took the next three months to pump and donate over 3,000 ounces of breast milk to NICU babies via three large cooler donations to the WakeMed Mother's Milk Bank and to several local moms I was connected to through word of mouth and close friends.
I will never feel complete here on Earth without my first son. He is now with God, safe and without suffering, watching over us, as we hold him tight in our hearts, we love him, and we remember him until we can hold him tight in our arms in Heaven.
Written by Daniel's mom, Catt McGrath