Making Memories While In the Hospital

Suggestions for creating memories with your sweet baby

Spend time with your baby – there is no right or wrong amount of time to spend. Do whatever feels right to you. Do not feel rushed. This is your sacred time with your sweet baby and that time will be honored by those caring for you and your baby. Spend all the time you need with your little one. If you baby was stillborn as to use a CuddleCot to preserve baby’s delicate skin. Introduce your precious newborn to the family, look at family photos together, or talk about the family who will greet them in heaven.

Ask a family member to bring you one of your precious outfits that you have held in preparation of your baby’s arrival. If you cannot get an outfit from home or do not have one with you, ask your nurse for an outfit in your baby’s size.

If you are faith-based, ask the hospital chaplain or your own religious guide to perform a ritual that brings you comfort in your faith such as baptism or prayer.

Ask your nurse or social worker to call Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep or On Angels Wings (midwest). These groups are made up of volunteer photographers who will come to your room and take infant remembrance photos for you.

Collect any items that were used with your baby or on your baby such as a lock of your baby’s hair, a receiving blanket, the blanket in their isolette, clothing, a thermometer used with your baby, diapers that fit your baby, baby shampoo and comb, your baby’s identification bracelet, the name sign on the isolette, pacifiers or bottles used with baby. If applicable, ask for the EKG heart rhythm graph paper with your baby’s heartbeat on it.

Take the time to do things you dreamed of doing with your newborn. Activities such as bathing them, dressing them in a sweet outfit, brushing your baby’s hair, singing lullabies, and capturing moments through photos and videos are not only healing but also allow you to cherish the precious moments you have with your baby. Read your baby a book – if you do not have one, ask your nurse for one. Additionally, child life specialists can help by providing handprints, footprints, and birth announcement signs, offering tangible tokens of your love and remembrance.

Ask your nurse or social worker for help with these if you need. Don’t feel rushed, and ask lots of questions.

• Determining whether you would like an autopsy performed
• Calling the funeral home
• Postpartum care
• Lactation support for drying up breastmilk or continuing to pump for donation, another child, etc.
• A list of mental health resources
• Help with requesting all medical records and imaging of your baby (this is very important)
• Help with writing down the names of all the doctors and nurses that were there with you and your baby (you can also gather this information from your medical chart later on)

Suggestions if you have other children
Remember to do whatever feels right to you to help you capture memories that you can carry with you forever.

• Speak to a child life specialist about how to talk with your other children about their baby sibling (they usually work in the NICU or PICU, so if you are in Labor & Delivery you'll need to ask for a Child Life Specialist specificially)
• Have them come to meet their baby sibling and capture photos and video
• Get handprints of your other children next to handprints of your baby
• Let your other children hold their baby sibling
• Read books to your other children about losing a baby

Important Resources

• First moments (in the hospital) - photography, keepsakes, & how to take care of your baby’s body
• First Weeks & Months (after the hospital) - counseling, funeral arrangements & financial assistance, and donating/drying up breastmilk.
• Ways to honor your baby, volunteer, and give back to other loss families (you can donate back to hospitals in need in memory of your baby)
• Add their name(s) to our Memory Wall

Book Recommendation Lists

• For grieving moms, dads, & young siblings
• Infant loss specific resources (NICU & PICU)
• Poetry, memory books, daily devotions, and journaling
• Pregnancy after loss & infertility specific resources (PAIL/TTC)
• Books for family members/supporters & other books on grief

Other bereaved moms have donated some memoirs and books for you and your family to take home as a gift. You’ll find their babies’ names in the cover of every book and on the rolling carts that store these sweet stories. Find the right book for you in the Book Summaries below (additional book recommendations & more lengthy summaries can be found here).

Local & Online Resources

Find resources for any state here:

• Organized by state/city - a list of local organizations, support groups, events, and more.
• Online support groups & communities
• Social media accounts to follow & podcasts
• Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS) - Call (720) 283-3339 to have a photographer come to the hospital for photos of you and your baby, or edit photos already taken. Available 7am-10pm.
• RTZ Hope - National resources & online, diverse support groups

Please check out our website for additional book recommendations, resources, support groups, and other organizations for you, friends, & family members

Take What You Need, Give What You Can

The books on our Book Carts are free to grieving parents so please take what you feel you need. There are books for moms, dads, Spanish speakers, and young siblings. We humbly ask that you help us continue to provide these resources for free to parents by paying it forward, if you are able. The suggested about is $10 per book or $20 per family.

Book Summaries

• “Almost A Mother" (Wopat) - twin NICU micropreemie loss
• “Unimaginable" (Taylor) - stillbirth and life afterwards
• “Unexpecting” (Lewis) - modern, practical support for most loss situations
• "Hope Beyond An Empty Cradle" (Scott) - a Christian story on the effects of relationships and emotions after stillbirth.
• "From Father to Father" (Long) - baby loss dads offering encouragement to other fathers.
• "You Are Not Alone" (Long) - other baby loss moms offering encouragement
• “Miscarried Hope” (Lohmann) - explores grief, healing, and resilience after miscarriage with a Christian lense
• “Bravos Vacios” (Ilse) - Spanish, coping with miscarriage and infant death in practical ways
• “The Rabbit Listened” (Doerfeld) - a beautiful story of how sometimes saying nothing at all is the most empathetic (and loving) thing to do with someone who is sad. Written for children, appropriate for ages 1-11. Also available in Spanish.
• “The Invisible String” (Karst) - a heartwarming story that reassures children that love connects us, even when we're apart.

If you haven’t received a book already, ask a nurse for the “Gemma’s Hope Bereavement Book Cart” that is located on your floor of the hospital (either Labor & Delivery or Level IV NICU).

A Letter to Give Your Family & Friends

The depths of sorrow and pain that your loved one(s) is now facing is shocking, visceral and earth shattering as they are desperately trying to wrap their minds around what just happened and how they got here. They may feel like they are living a nightmare; that this absolutely, cannot possibly be real and how will they possibly live without their baby here. It was not supposed to be this way and they now have to live in a reality they never thought would exist for them. The unthinkable has happened and they need your support more than ever…and for a very long time. There is no timetable for grief. Platitudes and toxic positivity do not work in the depths of suffering the loss of a child. Your loved one(s) needs you to listen to them (even if they repeat their story over and over), to say their baby’s name, and to talk about their sweet baby – what foods did they love during pregnancy? What color hair (if any) does the baby have? Talk about the baby’s sweet hands and cute toes. Talk about that sweet baby smell and how your love for the baby will last forever. Let the parent(s) know their baby will never be forgotten and do the work of researching how to speak to a loss parent. Look up what to say and what NOT to say to them. Just because the baby isn’t earth side anymore doesn’t mean the love the parent(s) has for their baby goes away (or is any less than the love felt for a living child). It is the exact same forever love regardless of whether the baby gets to stay. It can be a common misconception that the parent(s) won’t want to talk about their baby who died but I can assure you that we do. We understand talking about death is uncomfortable and difficult – it is uncomfortable and difficult for us as well but we still want to talk about our baby’s life, no matter how short.

Ways that you can help honor this sweet baby (and please let them know you are thinking of them and their baby. This is so important and truly makes a difference):

• Save important dates such as the baby’s birthday, the monthly anniversary of the birth and/or death, the due date, diagnosis date and any other dates that have been important to the parent(s). Make reminders so you can reach out on those days. Never assume others are doing that for them. Being a loss parent is an incredibly lonely and isolating experience. Loss parents will never have “enough” support.
• Light a candle for the baby
• Include the baby in family & friend celebrations
• Plant a tree or garden in the baby’s honor
• Donate to a charity in the baby’s name
• Save a seat at the table for their baby during special events

This situation is very uncomfortable for everyone involved. It is hard to know what to say because nothing that can be said will make the pain go away but that doesn’t mean you stay silent. There is so much loneliness in loss and when our closest people become silent (because they are nervous or scared to make the parent cry), it makes us feel even more isolated. Ask the parent(s) what types of support they need (this will be impossible to answer in the beginning stages of loss) and listen to what they say. If you reach out and they don’t respond via phone, text, email, etc. then KEEP reaching out. In heavy grief, it can feel almost impossible to respond to anyone. But just knowing that family and friends are continuing to check in, continuing to think of your baby, helps with healing. Show up for them. Sit with them in silence or let them cry uncontrollably but do not try to make them feel better. There is no silver lining here in this reality of losing a baby. “At least” statements do NOT work in this life-altering state and are not comforting. A loss parent does not need to be told to be grateful for any reason - we can hold more than one emotion at the same time and loss parent(s) learn this reality fairly quickly in the aftermath of loss. Just be there with them in the depths of their grief. This is what helps us begin to process this life-changing situation – validate their grief.

Suggestions on providing help to the loss family:

• Start a meal train or provide gift cards for meal delivery services
• Offer to handle the landscaping, mow the grass, or grab the mail
• Offer to do laundry/clean or pay for a laundry or cleaning service
• If the loss parent(s) has other living children, offer to take them to/from school, or to play dates to give the parent(s) time to grieve and also attention and love to the children. As much as a parent loves all of their children, it is still very hard to parent after loss – especially in early grief
• Call funeral homes and provide information for the family including availability and location
• Help the family call a place of worship or help set up funeral arrangements if that is the wishes of the family
• If choosing burial, help the family choose a cemetery location (visit them if you need to or drive the loss parent(s) there to allow them to decide where they would like their sweet baby to rest)

Your support is so important to the parent(s) at this time. Please continue to show up and love them as unselfishly as you can. And always remember to say their baby’s name.