In December of 2013 my husband and I found out we were pregnant again. We had our first doctor appointment in January of 2014, when we found out that we were pregnant with not one but two precious babies. Once the initial shock wore off, we were beyond excited but also a little nervous. With a 7-year-old daughter (Savannah) and 4-year-old son (Siler) at the time things were certainly about to get super busy! Savannah and Siler were super excited saying they would both have one to hold and were rooting for a boy and a girl. At our 12 week ultrasound we found out were having 2 girls! While Siler might have been a little disappointed to be surrounded by all girls he was still excited to be a big brother!

Beyond the extreme nausea and horrible heartburn the pregnancy was going so smoothly. We were getting the nursery ready and buying all the baby gear. (We were basically starting over with baby items.) As we were getting closer to the due date we learned baby B was breach so we decide to schedule a c section at 38 weeks. We had been driving an hour to get ultrasounds due to being considered high risk since we were having twins. Things were going so smoothly we asked if it was possible to do our last checkup closer to home. Friday August 1st, we had our last doctor's appointment before going in for our scheduled c-section August 12th. I remember Baby B's measurements were not quite where they should have been. She hadn’t changed as much as baby A since the last Ultrasound at 31 weeks. We were told to go back to the high-risk doctor for an ultrasound the next week. They wanted us to follow up with the high risk doctor the next week. Said it could be the difference in the ultrasound tech maybe not used to measuring twins. We went home a little uneasy, but things were going so great we figured we would just pray and call first thing Monday for an appt. They couldn’t get us in until that Thursday, August 7th. Things didn’t seem urgent and I was still feeling some movement (probably from baby A), so I didn’t push it.

If you remember anything from my story, remember to always go with your motherly instincts even if it ends up being ok.

Wednesday afternoon I started having some off and on pains on one side of my abdomen. But still kept telling myself I was just tired and super pregnant and uncomfortable, so I waited it out. Thursday morning, we went in for our ultrasound. Waiting in the lobby seemed like it took forever but, in all honesty, I think we were only in there 10 minutes. As I am laying on the table I can’t help but have this uneasy feeling. Like something was off. As soon as she put that probe on my belly I hear a heartbeat and was able to relax some. She does some measurements for baby A and then moves the probe to the other side of my abdomen. This was the routine. But this time it’s silent. She keeps making measurements but the silence is almost deafening it was lasting way too long. I think at that point both my husband and I knew there was something wrong. As the US tech was finishing up she said, “I will be honest I have some concerns but we will let the doctor have a look.” Once she walked out, I just started tearing up. I told my husband something is wrong. I told him she never said anything about baby Bs heartbeat and I never heard it. What seemed like hours again while waiting on the doctor he comes in and after looking himself, he says “Baby A looks great but I’m sorry Baby B has no heartbeat.” I will hear that phrase in my head for as long as I live. It was burned into my memory.

After that things were all a blur. I remember them telling us they would let our doctor know and they would call us and them sending us out the back door so we didn’t have to go back through the waiting room. But I don’t remember the walk to the car. No words were spoken until we were halfway home. My husband wanted us to finally settle on names. 2 of the ones we had picked out were Scarlett and Serenity. Serenity meaning calm, peaceful and untroubled. Serenity was at peace. One of the hardest parts was walking into our house and telling our kids what was wrong. At 7 and 5 I’m not sure they fully comprehended, they had managed to make it this far in life without having to deal with death of a close family or friend.

After giving them the news we called the doctors office to see what was next. She gave us the option of going in for an emergency c section that day or waiting until the next day. We decided we wanted to go that day in hoping whatever caused Serenity’s death wouldn’t affect Scarlett. We didn’t want to lose her too. We packed up our bags and went into the hospital. I was praying and pleading and begging that it was all a dream. By the time we got there and got in the room and hooked up to the monitors they said I was having contractions but I will be honest, I was still in a blur and I think the heartbreak was numbing all pain. I didn’t feel them or the epidural. Our babies were born that afternoon shortly after lunch. Baby A was delivered first. The silence again when they announced baby B had been delivered was deafening. They were both beautiful baby girls.

They took both babies back with us to our room. They told me Serenity could stay as long as we wanted her to. We let our kids come in to see their new sisters first. They both got to hold each one. We were a family of 6 for a short period of time. After a few hours we let our immediate families come visit our new girls, Scarlett and Serenity. I wanted to give them a chance to say hello to Scarlett and a hello and goodbye to Serenity. It was a whirlwind we were snapping pictures left and right but I unfortunately failed to get some of the 2 of them together.

Very early the next morning I was still wide awake. I couldn’t sleep. I don’t know how to explain it. I didn’t want to move forward but at the same time I wanted to wake up from the horrible nightmare I was having. I was just laying in bed holding and staring at her. I didn’t want the day to end. Later that morning, they wheeled Serenity out in her bed and a piece of my heart went with her. To go back to that day, I would have begged to keep her to the very last second I was there.

Going home to a house that has double everything and having your kids fight over who gets to hold Scarlett while asking why we couldn’t have kept both babies so they could each have one to hold is almost unbearable.

I truly believe God, our family, and friends is who got us through the next days, weeks, months and even years to follow. While we will never know what caused our baby to leave so soon, God used this tragedy to save me, to save my family and bring us closer together and closer to him.

I blamed myself for not being more cautious.

I blamed myself for being selfish and not wanting to drive an hour for an US.

I blamed myself for not being more pushy when the measurements are off.

I blamed myself for not realizing there maybe wasn’t as much movement.

I blamed myself for not acting on my motherly instinct.

If there is one thing from my story I want to get across to anyone pregnant: If you feel like something is off speak up. And if it ends up being nothing it still won’t be too late. And if you have found yourself in this unimaginable position take your time to grieve and lean on those who are by your side. Don’t be scared or embarrassed to seek help through books or support groups.

Grieving the loss of a child does get manageable as the years go by but it will never go away. It took us a year to remove the extra crib from the bedroom. The first couple years babies hit so many milestones you are constantly wishing they were both there and wondering if they would be hitting those milestones at the same time. Seeing twins when I went out was and honestly still is a stab to the heart. You think about when they are small having matching outfits or as they get older if they would dress differently. You see the special bond twins have and your heart breaks for your surviving twin and how she would have had her own playmate. You can tell she has the constant need to be close to someone like a void she doesn’t realize she has or where it comes from.

We got our “Serenity bear” that has the same weight as what Serenity was that symbolizes the missing piece in our family photos. She is always included in their birthday celebrations with her own candle on the cake. We also do things to keep her memory alive and to honor her. Wether it’s releasing butterflies, taking up donations for the pregnancy centers and things like that.

Having older kids we had to remember they grieve too. They all grieve differently as well and there are support groups for them too. For my kids the separation anxiety kicked in as they realized that in one moment something could happen and one of us could be gone. But it has taught them to appreciate life. They were and are very much a part of the things we did to honor and remember our sweet baby Serenity.

My prayer is that you find hope and healing during this journey. That you realize this is not your fault. I was able to get through my loss and the blaming myself with my faith in Jesus Christ who gives me grace and hope and forgiveness.

-Crystal Goins, mom to Savannah, Siler, Scarlett, and Serenity

The Goins Family. Note Scarlett holding her twin's "Serenity bear" and the pink lights representing the girls. A Bereavement Book Cart was dedicated in Serenity's memory at the Atrium Health Union Hospital on Sunday, August 4th, 2024.